Zombie Apocalypse The First Week

Day 1

It only took 3 hours for the 5 people in our household to descend into chaos 

It wasn’t really day 1 if I had already called the start two days earlier on Friday the 13th, but this was the first work day with all five of us, plus the dog, under the same roof.  Trying to get work done.  

I start pretty early- a sales call at 515am before the market opens at 630am PST and then it is typically a series of calls and meetings interspersed amongst work that must get done.  At home on this first day of #WFH during the Zombie Apocalypse I was juggling inadequate computer hardware that was struggling to keep up with my Zoom meeting schedule while downloading my inbox and simultaneously streaming a long list of stock quotes real time.  Add to this a few others in the house drawing a mixture of Houzz, Pinterest and Facebook and we got a toxic mix of “Why is my computer not working?!”  Not ideal when you’re trying to convince a client to keep paying a monthly retainer for a unique set of services…  

This fairly mild interaction was later followed by some transgression visited upon one sibling by another that required intervention.  No one was happy with the outcome but the dispute was resolved and the parties involved were sent to their rooms to cool down.  And drain the internet.

In the calm post-dinner evening that night, with a glass of scotch in my hand, I peruse the trending Twitter feeds highlighting video conference gaffs on Zoom and wondering if my afternoon is going to make the top ten.   

Day 3: Fear Mongering Reaches a Peak Especially on CNBC

Thoughts turn to extreme outcomes and some truly apocalyptic futures

Taking the dog for a walk in the evening I notice far more people out doing the same thing, more than usual on a weekday. We all politely keep out distance, wave and smile (or not in some cases) but it all seems strange.  Disconnected. Ominously, I think of the first days of the Walking Dead, or World War Z when suspicion and dread rise to the point where anyone you see on the street that you don’t already know is a threat.  

Back at the house I found myself putting out the organics part of the trash and stopped to look at the pungent mixture of rotting fish, vegetables and everything we didn’t eat. My mind wanders to a dark future where food becomes so scarce that this rotting pile would be a rare, coveted meal.  Out of desperation we could find ourselves fighting for survival in the same place we had only recently been living a fabulous life. Is that what’s in store for us?  I suddenly wished I had not read the book “The Road”, watched The Walking Dead or remembered the stories my mother told me about being a child during WWII.

Day 4:   Is that the end of my finger on the kitchen floor?

Avoid any Hospital visit even if you clearly need stitches

One thing you definitely want to avoid during a viral outbreak is having to make a visit to a hospital.  All this talk of infectious diseases, physical distancing and hand-washing mean going anywhere near a germ-factory like a hospital is essential to avoid.  So what do I do?  Somehow I slice off a sizable chunk from the end of my left ring-finger while cutting up a sweet potato.  I like to cook, and over the years we have built up a fairly good collection of kitchen knives from a Japanese sushi knife to curved cleavers.  The one I was using at the time was so sharp I honestly did not feel a thing.    

In my defence, the end bit of the oddly shaped sweet potato rolled over as I chopped, trapping my finger under it.  And following my own advice, the toe of the knife was firmly set on the cutting board to get the greatest leverage.   It makes me shiver just thinking about it now, especially since I likely would have gone right through the bone if I got more of the finger.

My 20 year old daughter was a model of cool-under-pressure support as I grabbed a wad of paper towel to stem the bleeding and headed for the sink calling to her over my shoulder to grab the chunk of flesh off the floor for me.  Having done this to my thumb at least once before I knew that little piece of flesh would not grow back on, but I knew it would be sensitive so I wanted something on the open end of my finger before capping it with a bandage.

My 16 year old son was disturbingly interested in the whole affair.  Having decided he wants to be a surgeon this situation arrived like a convenient training session he was determined to get the most of.  We covered it with gauze after a splash of disinfectant then wrapped the whole finger so tightly with medical tape that it went largely numb and I was okay for a couple of hours.  That night, however, despite a handful of Tylenol I slept only in fits and starts all the while trying to keep my hand above my head to minimize the throbbing.

Two days later when I finally agreed to change the bandage my wife insisted we call a friend who just happened to be the top pediatric cardiac surgeon in the province.  He happened to be nearby and very kindly stopped in to supervise the change of dressing.  He was so professional and patient with me as I slowly stripped off the old bandage, caked in blood, to expose a surprisingly large opening at the end of my finger.  Seeing it properly for the first time I realized the damage I had done when I saw the curved path the cleaver made on its way through my fingernail.  Yikes.  And it was bleeding plenty.  He said that was a good, healthy sign.  

My delicate handling of the bandage removal was not the approach he took when redressing it.  Pressure was important, he said to me, looking me directly in the eyes while he clamped the new gauze down on the end of my finger and squeezed like hell.  I don’t remember what happened next but sometime later I heard myself offering him a bottle of wine and 6 rolls of toilet paper as a stipend for his generous help.  

Not realizing my ridiculous exploits were necessarily on display, I heard from a friend whose daughter is a young doctor that my ego is so inflated I required the personal, in-home services of the top surgeon in North America (by the next re-telling he will be a saint) to attend to a simple cut on my finger.  Days later when we joined the daily 7pm banging of pots and general noise-making in celebration of the incredible efforts by healthcare workers everywhere I bang a little harder.  

Day 6 – The Quarantini 

Tik Tok entertains while a Saturday evening is spiced up with Sriracha and some healthy competition

I don’t do Tik Tok because I don’t want the Chinese government following everything I do. I just want the US government to do that, through Google, FB, AMZN and whatever else is tracking me, apparently by my own choice. But Tik Tok exploded thanks to COVID-19 and the forced isolation of so many millions of extroverts.  On this night in particular it served up an endless stream of dance routines and stupid humand tricks for our entertainment so we decided to use it to capture the making of a new cocktail.  One of Tik Tok’s draws is a great little AI that knits together multiple video clips timing the key moments and transitions to downbeats in the chosen music.  With a few ingredients and an iPhone we named our new drink the Quarantini: Vodka, OJ (fresh squeezed), Sriracha and a touch of Absinthe put in a cocktail shaker with ice.  The mixture is shaken and poured into a Martini glass with a sugar-Chili flake mix encrusting the rim.  Garnished with a slice of lime it was not bad.

Week 2 – The Internet Shows its Strain as the World Works From Home

Local bandwidth overwhelmed

First it was the teenagers under lockdown in Italy that all turned to Fortnite, next it was the Work From Home (#WFH) crowd like me doing Zoom conf calls and streaming market data through to a second screen.  Then ultimately it all grinds to a halt when the teenagers in North America finally get out of bed and start crushing the internet with Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram and all manner of collaborative arena-style video games from #Fortnite to #Overwatch.

Within two days the hammer truly came down in a sign of just how truly addicted we are to the internet.  YouTube announced they were reducing the quality of videos around the world in an effort to ease spiking internet traffic.  

The good news this week was that China got on top of their pandemic.  Not without completely shutting down an entire region in a way no other country wanted to have to do, but they seemed to have stopped it.  Hope springs eternal as we remember how utterly draconian China had become, resorting to building entire hospitals to test and manage the sick due to COVID-19 away from those in need of medical attention for other ailments.  The time-lapse video of a hospital literally rising out of the ground in Wuhan over 6 days is mesmerizing.  

Checking in on the Grandparents 

Keeping an eye on older folks and those who are currently fine but otherwise in the most vulnerable age group, over 80, can be futile.  My parents, my kids’ grandparents.  If they aren’t telling you they aren’t worried because they have lived a long full life and if this is their time, so be it, they are feeding you important tips they just saw on Facebook. Whatever you do, don’t open the endless emails they forward with sketchy links and large attachments. 

In a very thoughtful and informative Ted Talk by Alanna Shaikh the presenter opens with the pointed advice that “you really, really should not listen to any old person with an opinion about COVID-19”.  

She’s right. Which is why we need to check in on them more often than our teenagers.  So I decided to take over a package of Madeleine (sweet french sponge cookies that are perfect for dunking) that I know my Dad likes and it turns into a hostage exchange.  Finally heeding our urgings not to come in contact with others, or possibly just mocking me, he arrives in the lobby of his building to meet me sporting a bright yellow dishwashing glove on one hand.  After placing the cookies on the ground in front of me and backing off, he steps forward to pick it up.  The ungloved hand, he explains, is only for items that remain inside the house like his keys.  Hmm, makes sense I guess, except the keys are in his other pocket so after swapping things from one hand to the other and back so many times everything has now been thoroughly touched by both hands and he still has to go back through the door and up the elevator.  Well, at least he’s putting in an effort.  

So whatever comes next will only highlight our current crazy, unprecedented, unique, unbelievable, unexplainable, never before happened circumstances that seem to have occured in our history.